Now, WHERE did I land?
by Diva Urd
Summary: Yet another girl falls into Middle Earth, but sadly, she does not land where she expected... Rated for crude images.


**Title:** Now, WHERE did I land...?  
**Author:** Diva Urd  
**Thanks to:** Leslie41 for the inspiration!  
**Number of chapters:** One-Shot  
**Warnings:** Crude images, parody of common fanfiction cliches  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own the rights to "Lord of the Rings" and affiliated terms, and use them for non-commercial purposes only.

**NOW, _WHERE_ DID I LAND...?**

Her name was Raevyn Juanita Belladonna Jimenez, and she was upset.  
Although her essay had been an unbelievable work of beauty, her English teacher had only given her a B for it! A B! She would never be able to study in Harvard if she continued like this!

Angrily, she stalked out of the high school building, her waist-length black hair dancing in the wind behind her. She wore the typical uniform of a catholic girl's school, white blouse and skirt. A tall girl of 15, she was already well-developed in the bust department, and her tanned, long legs were perfectly waxed, so that even this boring outfit could not detract from her attractiveness.

Her anger burned even hotter within her when she remembered that her mother would not be able to pick her up from school today (the Ferrari was being repainted after some idiot had managed to scratch up the passenger door). Since she was to young to own a driver's permit yet, that meant she would have to use that rotten school bus to get home...

Frustrated, Raevyn sat her bag down. There was only one way she was going to sit through the ride in that stinky yellow vehicle... she dug around and finally found what she had been searching for: a book, bound in red leather. Its cover proclaimed in golden letters that its title was "The Lord of the Rings – The Fellowship of the Ring".

Raevyn (or Rae, as her friends and family called her) had taught herself how to read at age four, and since then nobody had seen her anymore without her carrying a book with her. She had discovered the writings of J.R.R. Tolkien when she had been 10 years old, and since then she had loved these books to pieces. When the movies had come out, she had enjoyed them just as much, and watching Orlando Bloom portray her favorite character, the elf Legolas, had sent tingles of previously unknown feelings down her spine... a lot of her friends had obviously felt the same way, for they had taken it upon themselves to write their own version of the books, in which they joined the fellowship and, later, ended up in the elf's strong arms. How she wished that it happened to her, for real...

Rae opened the book and began to read, still walking towards the school bus stop. After a few lines, she was so immersed in the story that she did not pay attention to her surroundings anymore. Thus, she did not hear the warning shouts of the other students as she stepped into the road and continued walking. Suddenly, she heard the sound of tires screeching, felt something slamming into her, sending her body flying, and her vision went black.

---

Seconds later, Raevyn sat up, dazed. What had just happened to her... and what was this beastly stench that suddenly filled her nostrils?

She looked down on herself – and had to see that her formerly white blouse had turned a dirty brown. The stench emanated from it and from the bog she sat in. Right in front of her was a little wooden shack, which stank as well. A little heart was cut out of the door. It was an outhouse.

Raevyn felt bile rise up in her throat when she realized just WHAT she was sitting in and made a gurgling noise of disgust.

She never had time to wonder just where she was and where her school and the road had vanished to, for now the person in the outside bathroom apparently had realized that something had happened. The door swung open, and Rae saw herself confronted with a swarthy man, middle-aged, ugly as sin – and naked from the waist down. His dark, heavy brows lowered as he stared at the newcomer.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Raevyn screamed and scrambled back. The man appeared astounded for a moment, then his large mouth formed into a lusty grin. He started to say something, but the terrified girl did not understand a word. However, she could make out a name.

"Bill... Ferny...?" she whispered, comprehension dawning on her. Her wish had come true, she was in Middle Earth. Only... there had to be a mistake! She wasn't supposed to have dropped in front of Bill Ferny's outhouse!

Frantically, she screwed her eyes shut so hard her lids began to hurt, counted to ten, and opened them again. For sure, she would be with Legolas now! But she still sat in the stinking puddle. Ferny had pulled his stained pants up and was about to leave the outside bathroom, arms stretched out for her, uneven teeth showing in a slimy grin.

Raevyn got to her feet and did the first thing that came to her mind: She ran away as fast as her legs would carry her. A surprised exclamation sounded behind her, but Ferny did not seem to follow her.

She got off his property fairly fast and now found herself on the main street of Bree. Hobbits and men were there, walking along and going about their business. Rae tried to stop a rather unwashed looking young man who crossed her path.

"Excuse me... I just had a little accident... would you know where I can go to take a bath and change my clothes...?"

The man wrinkled his nose, said something and hurried off.

"No, wait!" Raevyn shouted and tried to follow him, when she slipped and fell in the middle of the road. She had stepped into a pile of horse manure. Now some people stopped to point and laugh at her.

Rae was close to crying. Those people did not speak English, and she was covered in various kinds of excrements! How much worse could it get?!

A moment later, she wished she wouldn't have asked. Obviously, Ferny had not given up that easily; he had exited his grounds from a small door in the hedge surrounding it and was running toward her.

Raevyn scrambled to her feet and ran down the road.

Suddenly, she could hear a carriage coming behind her. The beautiful girl turned around, waving her arms to stop them and maybe try to get a ride from them, away from this place...

The carriage driver did not stop. The horses trampled her into the ground, and once more Rae felt unconsciousness claiming her.

---

When Raevyn awoke, she was lying in a hospital bed, bandaged from head to toe, and hurting in about every imaginable place. Her mother sat at her bedside, a worried expression on her face that changed to a smile when she saw that her daughter was awake.

"Oh, you're awake! Thank heavens... you had an accident, you were hit by a car. The doctors say you will have to stay here for at least two months, but you will be okay."

Rae licked her lips. "I'm not in Middle Earth...?"

The lines of worry returned to her mother's face.

"Middle Earth? Isn't that from your books? No, my dear, you are not in Middle Earth. You have been lying here in this bed for a whole day, you were probably just dreaming of it while you were unconscious... But if you want to, I can get you 'The Lord of the Rings' from home, so you can read it once you can hold something in your hands again. Would you like me to?"

"No!" For someone who had just awoken from a long period of unconsciousness, Raevyn's voice was surprisingly loud.  



End file.
